Even if they don’t show it, even if they act like they don’t care, on some level our children believe everything we say about them. Why not leverage our children’s trust in what we say to empower them to become their best selves?
Practice These 4 Habits
1. Empower your child by seeing her best self.
Research shows that kids’ beliefs determine their behavior. When you observe something positive about your child, tell her what you see.
- “I saw that you got frustrated with your brother, but you were able to stop yourself from yelling at him.”
- “Wow, you read that whole book yourself!”
- “I’ve noticed that you’re remembering to brush your teeth now without being reminded most of the time.”
- “You did your chore with only one reminder! Thank you!”
- “You’re working so hard on that homework.”
Notice that these are specific observations about what your child is actually doing, rather than global pronouncements like “You’re smart,” which aren’t provable, and which kids may argue with in their own minds.
2. Empower your child by problem-solving instead of labeling.
If you’re offering your child guidance about something, stick to what’s happening right now and empower your child to solve it. “You always forget to …” makes him the problem, and programs him to keep forgetting.
Instead, try “It’s hard to remember. How do you think you can help yourself remember tomorrow?” This acknowledges that he has a problem that other people sometimes have also, and helps him move from being the problem to becoming the problem solver. Comment especially on any progress in the “right direction,” even if it isn’t perfect.
3. Empower your child by helping her keep “failure” in perspective.
Children create beliefs about the world from every experience they have. When things don’t work out as they had hoped, they often draw global conclusions. That’s why an observation like “I got all these words wrong” can easily become a conclusion like “I’m just no good at spelling… I’m not a good student… I’m dumb.”
Help your child reframe situations to see that any given setback is temporary, and she has some control over whether things will work out next time. “You’re really disappointed that you didn’t know these words. What could we do next week to help you remember the words before the spelling test?”
It’s also helpful for your child to see that anything he or she isn’t handling well does not need to be a permanent condition. Your “power word” here is “Yet!”
- “You just haven’t learned to spell that word YET.”
- “You aren’t as confident a swimmer as your friend is YET.”
4. Empower your child by letting him overhear you saying something positive about him to someone else.
When you try to convince your child directly, he may resist what you’re saying. After all, he sees evidence to the contrary. But when he overhears you saying it to someone else, he begins to believe that it might be true.
- “He was so helpful today.”
- “I think he’s finding that focusing on his homework helps him enjoy school more.”
- “He and his sister are learning how to work things out.”
- “I just so enjoy being with him.”
Your child believes everything you say about him. And acts on it. What an opportunity!
Excerpted from “4 Easy Habits to Build Your Child’s Self Esteem with Your Words” by clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, published in Aha! Parenting. Read the full post online.
Source: Aha! Parenting | Easy Habits to Build Your Child’s Self Esteem with Your Words, https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/They-believe-everything-you-say | copyright 2023 Aha! Parenting
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