How to Talk to Kids About Gender

Discussing gender can help kids feel more confident in themselves and supported by their parents and caregivers, says Dr. Christy Olezeski, director of Yale’s pediatric gender program, which helps people ages three to 25 who are grappling with questions about their gender.

There’s also a rule among psychologists who work with trans and gender-nonconforming youth: Adults don’t determine a child’s gender; it’s up to the child to reveal this, adds Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, a developmental and clinical psychologist who has studied gender since the late 1960s.

With that in mind, caregivers should know that it is never too early to start talking or teaching a kid about gender, says Olezeski.

To help parents and caregivers navigate these conversations, the following are selected tips from experts:

Learn the difference between gender identity and gender expression

It’s essential to understand the difference between gender identity and gender expression because people confuse the two terms a lot, Ehrensaft explains. Gender identity is someone’s internal sense of who they are — whether that be a woman, man, somewhere in between, or none of the above.

“It doesn’t necessarily match who others think you are,” Ehrensaft says.

Gender expression, on the other hand, is how someone chooses to present their gender to the outside world, whether through clothes, hobbies, or their name.

Explore your own feelings

Adults often have trouble with the ambiguity of gender, Edwards-Leeper says.

Ehrensaft offers the example of preschools with flexible dress code policies. A boy may decide to wear a dress to school and when he walks into the classroom, the teacher freezes up for a second. The teacher may usually express open viewpoints about gender, but in that split second, their inner biases come through. The child, in turn, picks up on this visceral reaction right away, she says. The teacher might not realize they have unconscious biases about gender but their body language makes it clear to the child that they do, as the teacher likely wouldn’t have noticed if a girl walked in wearing a dress. Children absorb almost everything, even things you don’t say.

Don’t shame children

When children are about three years old, they start to explore both their gender identity and expression says Olezeski.

Caregivers might unintentionally shame their children if they say things like, “Oh no! Boys/girls don’t do that!” or using the terms “real boys” or “real girls,” which can imply there’s only one way to be a boy or a girl, explains Olezeski.

Kids will pick up these statements as a sign that adults don’t accept who they are and interpret that who they are and what they like is bad or unwanted, says Ehrensaft.

On the other hand, when adults allow children to express themselves authentically through play and dress, kids can build confidence in what they like, Olezeski says.

Really listen to children

You might rush to immediately respond to what a child is saying about their gender, without actually listening to what they’re saying. The best-intentioned adults often make this mistake and it can lead to a miscommunication.

For example, a child who everyone thinks is a boy could say, “Mommy, I’m a girl and I want a Barbie doll.”

The mother might say in response, “No problem. You don’t have to be a girl to play with dolls. Let’s go out and get you one right now!”

This is meant to be supportive but it misses the point, Ehrensaft says. The child might not just be talking about dolls — they could be saying they are a girl and they want their caregiver to recognize that. Children want to be seen and understood and if they are misunderstood, they could become frustrated and give up on trying to get their message across.

Excerpted from “How to Talk to Kids About Gender” in Mashable. Read the full article online for more details on the above and additional tips for navigating conversations around gender.

Source: Mashable | How to Talk to Kids About Gender, https://mashable.com/article/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-gender | ©2022 Mashable, Inc.

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