Each year thousands of teenagers experience the death of someone they love. When a parent, sibling, friend or relative dies, teens feel the overwhelming loss of someone who helped shape their self-identities. And these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever.
Caring adults, whether parents, teachers, counselors or friends, can help teens during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for young people to learn about both the joy and pain that comes from caring deeply for others.
Many teens are told to “be strong”
Many adults who lack understanding of their experience discourage teens from sharing their grief. Bereaved teens give out all kinds of signs that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are often pressured to act as if they are doing better than they really are.
When a parent dies, many teens are told to “be strong” and “carry on” for the surviving parent. They may not know if they will survive themselves, let alone be able to support someone else. Obviously, these kinds of conflicts hinder the “work of mourning.”
Teen years can be naturally difficult
At the same time the bereaved teen is confronted by the death of someone loved, he or she also faces psychological, physiological and academic pressures. While teens may begin to look like “men” or “women,” they will still need consistent and compassionate support as they do the work of mourning, because physical development does not always equal emotional maturity.
Teens often experience sudden deaths
The grief that teens experience often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. A parent may die of a sudden heart attack, a brother or sister may be killed in an auto accident, or a friend may commit suicide. The very nature of these deaths often results in a prolonged and heightened sense of unreality.
Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of the grieving teen’s early experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives their emotions time to catch up with what their mind has been told.
Support may be lacking
Sometimes we assume that teenagers will find comfort from their peers. But when it comes to death, this may not be true. Many bereaved teens are greeted with indifference by their peers. It seems that unless friends have experienced grief themselves, they project their own feelings of helplessness by ignoring the subject of loss entirely.
As we strive to assist bereaved teens, we should keep in mind that many of them are in environments that do not provide emotional support. They may turn to friends and family only to be told to “get on with life.”
Relationship conflicts may exist
As teens strive for their independence, relationship conflicts with family members often occur. A normal, though trying way in which teens separate from their parents is by going through a period of devaluation.
If a parent dies while the adolescent is emotionally and physically pushing the parent away, there is often a sense of guilt and “unfinished business.” While the need to create distance is normal, we can easily see how this complicates the experience of mourning.
Signs a teen may need extra help
Some grieving teens may even behave in ways that seem inappropriate or frightening. Be on the watch for:
- symptoms of chronic depression, sleeping difficulties, restlessness and low self-esteem.
- academic failure or indifference to school-related activities
- deterioration of relationships with family and friends
- risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, and sexual experimentation
- denying pain while at the same time acting overly strong or mature
It is important that you help the grieving teen find safe and nurturing emotional outlets at this difficult time.
Excerpted from “Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief” by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. Read the full article on the Center for Loss & Life Transition website.
Source: Center for Loss & Life Transition | Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief, https://www.centerforloss.com/2023/12/helping-teenagers-cope-grief | copyright 2023 Center for Loss & Life Transition
If you or your teen needs support, CHC is here to help. Please reach out to a CHC Care Coordinator to set up a free 30-minute consultation.
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