Children and Gender Identity: Supporting Your Child

If your child has questions about gender identity or gender expression, you probably have questions too. Find out what you can do to help and support your child.

Sex assigned at birth and gender identity are two separate things. Sex assigned at birth is typically made based on external genital anatomy. But gender identity is the internal sense of being male, female, or a gender along the spectrum between male and female. People communicate their gender to others through gender expression. This may be done through mannerisms, clothing and hairstyles.

Gender identity develops separately from sexual orientation. People’s sexual orientation is related to whom they’re attracted to on a physical, emotional and romantic basis.

“>It’s important to remember that gender identity and gender expression are different concepts. A child’s gender identity doesn’t always lead to a certain gender expression. And a child’s gender expression doesn’t always point to the child’s gender identity.

Children who are transgender have a gender identity that doesn’t match their assigned sex at birth.
In many cases, children will say how they feel. They may strongly identify as boys or girls. And sometimes they identify as neither or not fully male or female (nonbinary).

Most children go through periods of gender exploration through the way they dress and the toys they choose and by role-playing. Some may even insist that they are a gender that differs from that of their birth sex. However, this is likely not a phase if they continue to do so as they get older.
It’s important to remember that gender identity and gender expression are different concepts. A child’s gender identity doesn’t always lead to a certain gender expression. And a child’s gender expression doesn’t always point to the child’s gender identity.

Gender expressions and behaviors might include:

Certain bathroom behavior, such as a girl insisting on standing up to urinate
An aversion to wearing the bathing suit of the child’s sex assigned at birth
A preference for underwear typically worn by a different sex
A strong desire to play with toys typically assigned to a different sex

Don’t rush to label your child. Over time your child will continue to tell you what feels right.

“>Interested in learning more about how you can support your child with their gender identity? Check out our article about gender and sexuality for the modern parent.

Listen to your child’s feelings about gender identity. Talk to your child and ask questions without judgment. To support your child, you can:

Allow your child to express gender in public or at family activities. It’s important to do this even if it makes you or someone else uncomfortable.
Give your child access to gender-diverse friends, activities or resources.
Don’t assume your child’s gender expression is a form of rebellion or defiance.
Don’t try to shame or punish your child for gender expression.
Don’t allow others in your family to belittle or ridicule your child’s gender expression. Understand that experiencing discrimination isn’t your child’s fault.

Remember to speak positively about your child. Do this both to your child and to others. Show your approval for your child’s gender identity and expression of it. You’ll foster a positive sense of self in your child when you allow your child to express preferences. You’ll also help keep lines of communication open.

Also, try to let go of expectations you might have had about your child’s future. Instead, focus on what brings your child joy and security. A child living with supportive parents and caregivers is likely to be a happier child.

Excerpted from “Children and Gender Identity: Supporting Your Child” by the Mayo Clinic. Read the full article online for information on social transitioning, healthcare, and advocating for your child.