Everybody has those inner gremlins talking to them, bringing up the worst thoughts, second-guessing their instincts and being generally unkind.
Where exactly do those critical voices come from? And why are they so mean? It’s negative self-talk, and no one is exempt from it.
NPR spoke with Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D., an Atlanta-based clinical psychologist and the host and founder of Therapy for Black Girls, about a few ways to quiet those voices down.
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend
A lot of our negative self-talk comes from messages we’ve heard out in the world and internalized — maybe from a hypercritical caregiver, a school bully or the media.
When we beat ourselves up over mistakes, disparage our own appearance or talk ourselves out of great ideas, we’re not giving ourselves the grace and care that we would give others. Try practicing some self-compassion and replacing that negative inner voice with a kinder one.
Monitor and collect evidence
Before you can shut down that mean little voice, you have to be aware of how it operates. “We want to monitor and keep a log of what kind of negative self-talk we’re having,” says Dr. Joy. Pick a half day, notice those negative thought patterns and write them down.
Then, you gotta gather receipts. Once you notice that you’re telling yourself not-so-nice stories, collect evidence on whether those things that you’re telling yourself are actually true.
Find affirmations that fit
Coming out of a negative self-talk episode can be hard. Our lack of self-worth in the moment won’t allow us to believe the affirmations from people around us or ourselves.
“What we’re wanting is something that you actually feel like you can grow into. So ‘I commit to loving myself a little bit more each day,’ or ‘I commit to doing my best each day,’ or ‘I’m better than I was.’ ”
Spend less time on social media
Studies show that people around the world spend three hours (and climbing!) a day on social media. I’m definitely guilty of losing 30 minutes here and there swiping through all my feeds. Inevitably, I end up on what I call “Therapy IG,” where all the free mental health advice lives. It can feel uplifting at first, but sometimes it makes me second-guess myself, and I have to ask, when is all that input too much input?
Dr. Joy agrees that lots of therapists are offering great insights and resources, but she also says all that info can be overwhelming. “When you’re already somebody who is struggling with negative self-talk … the last thing that you need is a bunch of social media accounts telling you you’re doing it wrong.”
Don’t think less of yourself — think of yourself less
One obvious (but difficult) way to stop being so hard on yourself is to just stop thinking about yourself so much. “Something that a lot of times happens with depression and anxiety is that we feel like people are paying way more attention to us than they actually are,” says Dr. Joy.
If you feel stuck obsessing over all your supposedly horrible failings (Dr. Joy calls that perseverating), she says doing something with your hands can help take you out of that space. Gardening, knitting, a coloring book, Play-Doh — you get the idea.
Excerpted from “Stop being so mean to yourself. Here are 5 tips to help you break the cycle” on NPR. For more details on Dr. Joy’s strategies, read the full article online.
Listen to the podcast of the interview with Dr. Joy:
Source: NPR | Stop being so mean to yourself. Here are 5 tips to help you break the cycle, https://www.npr.org/2021/12/09/1062746913/how-to-stop-being-self-critical-and-silence-negative-self-talk | © 2021 npr
A screening can help you determine if you or someone you care about should contact a mental health professional. Care Coordinators can arrange a free 30-minute Care Consultation so you can explore options with an expert. Call or email us at 650.688.3625 or careteam@stage.chconline.org to set up an initial Consultation appointment.
